


The Broken Boys’ Breakfast Club

by sarahwinchester



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Domestic Violence, Drug Abuse, Eating Disorders, Eventual Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Teen Angst, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:54:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24922648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarahwinchester/pseuds/sarahwinchester
Summary: “Isn’t it exhausting, keeping this happy façade in place day in and day out?”“Yes. But I’m afraid if I don’t, they’ll start to see me the way I see myself. And how do I show people the real me when all I know about who I am is that I’m broken beyond repair?”Sugawara Koushi finds out he’s not the only one fighting inner demons.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 46





	1. Sleeves

**Author's Note:**

> Before you start reading this, just know that I don't hold back when talking about sensitive subjects. If any of the tags above trigger you, this may not be a fic you want to read. I will go ahead and say this, though: there will be happy endings and no major character deaths, though death will be mentioned.

Sugawara Koushi was broken.

He stood in front of his bathroom mirror, exhaustion clear in the dark circles under his eyes and the way he held himself as if he’d just run a marathon. In a way, he had. It took him nearly an hour to drag himself out of bed each morning. A constant battle raged in his mind, the sound like nails screeching harshly against a chalkboard. ‘ _Get up, get up, GET UP! _’__ Screamed one half of his brain. _‘If you don’t get up now you’ll be late and if you’re late you’ll fail classes and if you fail classes you won’t go to college and if you don’t go to college you’ll end up broke and homeless and DEAD!’_

The other half of his mind didn’t see anything wrong with dying young. Life was pointless, anyway. Some people just weren’t meant to live happy lives, and he had the misfortune of being one of those people. There wasn’t anything he could do about it.

Still, his anxiety raged on, nagging him and increasing his heart rate until he was sweating from the speed at which his mind was racing and he was forced to drag himself out of bed. Each day began this way, leading him to exhaustion by eight o’clock in the morning and an unavoidable caffeine dependency.

Now, standing in front of the mirror, he lifted his tired body into a posture that loosely resembled a functioning human being. “You’re going to be happy today,” he whispered to himself, practicing his best carefree smile. “You’re happy. You’re happy. You’re happy.” In reality, he was never quite sure what he felt. Over the past two years his depression had transformed from a crippling, permanent state of sadness and gloom to something resembling a wind-up doll going through the motions of life but never quite reaching the point of living. He felt numb; like a neutral observer standing outside his own body, watching his life pass by without so much as a reaction. Detached and disinterested. He tried, _boy did he try,_ to feel something. Anything, really, other than nothing. Happiness was brief and fleeting, joy dancing just beyond his reach. If only he could reach just a little further...

The weather forecast said it was going to be another record hot day; still he pulled the worn hoodie over his head like he did every other day of the year. People stopped asking questions when he started using the excuse that he had an iron deficiency that kept him shivering year-round. He tugged the sleeves down, wincing slightly. He was used to this pain.

A knock sounded on his bedroom door, followed by his mother’s voice. “Koushi-kun, you’re running late again! Come get some breakfast before your brother eats it all.”

With a sigh, he straightened his posture and plastered on a smile. “Coming, mom!”

As he walked through the kitchen his mother did a double-take, staring at his sweatshirt in a way that made him squirm uncomfortably under her analyzing gaze. “Honey, you’re going to overheat if you keep wearing that thing. At least take it off while you’re walking to school.”

”I’m cold,” Koushi lied, ignoring his brother’s scoff. He grabbed a pear off the counter and slung his book bag over his shoulder, heading toward the door.

Another sigh from his mother. “Koushi, we’ve talked about this before. Your doctor said your iron levels were fine. I don’t know why you keep insisting that you’re anemic.”

”Mom, you know what they say about kids who wear long sleeves in the summer,” Koushi’s brother chimed in. Koushi shot him a glare, fighting to keep the panic off his face. _They don’t know,_ he told himself. _I’ve been careful, right?_

The puzzled expression his mother wore indicated she didn’t, in fact, ‘know what they say.’ “Koushi-kun, how many times have I told you? Breakfast is eaten at the table, not on your walk! And fruit alone isn’t a good breakfast! I know you stayed up late again last night, I can see it in your eyes. Maybe if you hadn’t waited until the last minute to finish your work - _again -_ you would have woken up in time to eat a decent breakfast!”

He knew she meant well, but each word felt like a piece of ice being jammed down his throat. Just more reminders of his shortcomings. “I just haven’t been sleeping well,” is all he replied.

His mother huffed and crossed her arms. “It’s because you’re on that damn phone all the time! I swear, Koushi, if you fail another exam I’ll have your father break that new phone, too.”

Koushi didn’t reply. The box in his closet containing the broken pieces of his last phone was proof that she wasn’t exaggerating. “I’ll pass, mom.”

He shut the door behind him before his mother could respond. Every bone in his body longed to go back to bed, but the sight of his best friend waiting for him in the street gave him a reason not to. 

”Good morning, Suga!” Daichi called out, waving more enthusiastically than any sane person should at this hour. Suga noticed a large cup of coffee from the market up the street held in Daichi’s non-waving arm. “I figured you could use some go-go juice.”

”Thank you,” Suga responded around a yawn, taking the cup from his friend with a small, grateful smile. “Why are you in such a good mood today?” 

They walked side-by-side past row after row of quiet homes on their way to Karasuno High School. “Why wouldn’t I be?” Daichi asked, shooting Suga an inquisitive look. “It’s the first day of second term of our third year! It’s exciting.”

Suga wished he could feel excited. Instead he did the next best thing and faked it, hoping it would start to feel real sometime soon. _Please. Soon._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a short intro chapter that will probably be edited before the next chapter is up! I have another fic to finish on Wattpad before I can dedicate myself to this one fully, so don't pay too much attention to this yet, as it's still very much in its infancy. :)


	2. Whispers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People are starting to talk. If only memories could be erased. Or days could be restarted.

People say depression is like a series of hills and valleys. For most, it’s not a constant succession of sad days without an ounce of joy, but a rollercoaster of ups and downs, highs and lows. The good days are incredible. Suga seems like a new person, all sparkling eyes and carefree laugh, nearly as talkative and outgoing as some of their most rambunctious classmates. The bad days, however, are hard for Daichi to watch. A dark cloud hangs over his best friend, who looks as if he wishes nothing more than to disappear into the floor. Daichi is always hyper-aware of his surroundings when Suga is having one of these “valley” days. It’s exhausting, running intervention to keep Suga from getting overwhelmed or overstimulated, but he would do it every day for the rest of his life if it just meant his friend could breathe a little easier.

Daichi really shouldn’t have blamed himself for what happened in their first class that day, but that didn’t stop the guilt. He should've known.

The pair found their seats in the classroom, glancing nervously at one another when they realized their new math teacher was one of the most feared by all the third years at Karasuno. Ukai-sensei stood at the front of the room, peering out at the students through narrowed eyes, face scrunched up in one of his infamous, sharp scowls. He didn't stoop or slouch like most elderly people, and it made him all the more intimidating. He had the body of a 30 year old from years and years of coaching the Karasuno boys' volleyball team. His grandson took over as coach once old Ukai's health began to decline, but retirement from the sport only seemed to open up more time for at-home workouts, since the teacher looked more like a body builder than ever.

Ukai-sensei looked at the clock on the wall and moved to close the classroom door. As it closed a hand shot out from the hall, stopping it just before it shut completely. 

"I don't tolerate tardiness in my class," Ukai-sensei growled, glaring up at the student who dared disrespect him on the first day back. Suga let out a soft groan when he realized it was their friend Asahi, looking downright terrified as he bowed several apologies to the teacher. Despite his impressive height and muscle mass, Asahi was one of the most timid people Daichi had ever met, but that was one of the reasons he and Suga were drawn to him. He was more gentle and kind than most, always considerate of others and willing to help even those who mocked him for his shyness. 

Asahi scrambled to an open desk in the back of the classroom, relaxing only when he met my gaze across the sea of students. 

"Good morning, everyone," Ukai-sensei's voice boomed from the front of the room. 

The class of third years stood from their desks and bowed. "Good morning, sensei," they responded in unison.

Ukai prowled slowly down each row of desks like an animal hunting for dinner. "Today we're going to be taking an exam to test your retention of the topics covered last term. Your last math instructor failed to assign any work for the break, but I trust you were all responsible enough to maintain your studies independently." He stopped abruptly and backtracked, staring down at Suga. "Mighty bold of you to assume I permit the wear of such casual clothes in my classroom," he barked, giving Suga's tattered hoodie a disgusted once-over. 

Suga bowed his head, a look of panic on his face. "Excuse me, sensei. I meant no offense. I tend to get cold in the classroom."

"Take it off. It's summer. Your uniform jacket is plenty warm."

"Yes, sensei." Suga stood and bowed, hands trembling as he tugged the hoodie off. As his left arm reached over his head, the sleeve of his jacket fell, and Ukai-sensei's eyes widened. 

"Such disrespect!" He shouted, grabbing Suga's wrist and yanking it toward him. Suga gasped, pain overtaking his face. His eyes met Daichi's, whose confusion was apparent in the furrow of his brows. "You think I haven't seen this before?" Ukai-sensei continued. "Writing exam answers on your arm is the oldest trick in the book!" 

Suga stared at Daichi, refusing to look at his teacher, his arm, his classmates. Daichi was shocked. In all the years he'd known Suga, he'd never taken him for a cheater. Then Ukai yanked Suga's sleeve up and Daichi realized Suga wasn't a cheater.

Murmurs erupted in the classroom as students stretched to get a look at Suga's wrist. Chills ran down Daichi's spine and his stomach flipped at the sight of the short, straight lines, some pink and freshly healed, some the dark puckered red of a new scab. He glanced up at his best friend, who refused to look up from the floor. Silent tears tracked down his face, splashing lightly onto the desk. Daichi's heart fell as he realized just how lonely his best friend must feel. _Why didn't he tell me?_ He wondered. _How long has this been happening?_

Ukai-sensei was speechless, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. He released his grip on Suga, who took the opportunity to flee the classroom. Their instructor didn't try to stop him, clearly not having experienced a student with self-inflicted wounds. The rest of the class was in a quiet uproar, students flitting from desk to desk to whisper and gossip. Daichi looked to the back of the classroom and found Asahi watching him with wide eyes, completely at a loss. 

It was nearly impossible to get the class settled after that. Ukai-sensei announced that the review exam would be postponed a day. "Today's...disruption...has distracted you all to the point you would most likely fail the exam. Therefore we will be going over some topics from last term in preparation for the test tomorrow."

Daichi wished more than anything he could leave the classroom to find Suga and make sure he was okay. He'd never been so worried in his life. Time dragged impossibly slow, made all the more agonizing by Daichi's need to check the time every two minutes. He did his best to ignore the notes passing from hand to hand all around him. As soon as class ended, he and Asahi were the first out of the classroom. They sprinted down the halls and into the bathroom, bursting through the door with a crash that startled Suga, who was washing his hands in the sink.

"Oh, hey! You scared me. How was the exam?" Suga asked, smiling casually. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy, the tip of his nose slightly pink, yet he still smiled. Despite his best efforts, Daichi felt his eyes flit down to Suga's wrists. He opened his mouth to speak but Suga stopped him with a raised hand. "Please don't ask me if I'm okay. Not right now." His lips were still lifted in a carefree smile. It was almost frightening.

"Suga..." Asahi began, trailing off when he couldn't find the proper words.

"I'm fine, okay? Let's just pretend this never happened. How was the exam?" 

Daichi hesitated, not wanting to let this go, but the look in Suga's eyes was like that of a child awaiting punishment, so he took a deep breath and smiled. "It was postponed. We just did a review today."

Suga picked up his backpack and tilted his head. "Oh? Why was it postponed?" He asked. Daichi and Asahi glanced at each other, not saying anything. They hadn't thought about how they would explain that. Suga seemed to understand after a moment, though, as he sighed and nodded. "I see. Well, as much as I wish I could, I can't stay in here forever. Let's get to class."

Apart from math, Asahi was in class three, so after a brief and hesitant goodbye, he headed off to the class three hall for the remainder of the day. Suga was silent on the walk back to their classroom, and Daichi was still in too much shock to maintain any semblance of conversation. Only a few students remained in the classroom when they arrived back, the others still enjoying the break between periods. Suga ducked his head, avoiding their stares, and slumped into his seat. His fingers tugged at the sleeves of his uniform jacket, trying desperately to keep them tight against the heels of his hands to prevent another incident. Their next teacher walked in and Daichi recognized her as one of the few he actually enjoyed. She would never admit it, but Suga was her favorite student. 

Daichi leaned over to grab his friend's backpack and pulled the old hoodie out, handing it to Suga under the desk. Daichi watched tension leave his shoulders as his fingers gripped the familiar fabric. "Thank you," Suga whispered, doing his best to ignore the stares of his classmates when he pulled it over his head. He breathed a sigh of relief when his hands disappeared into the sleeves, the tips of his fingers barely visible past the cuffs.

The rest of the day passed unbearably slow. Daichi did his best to keep up the appearance of normalcy. He tried not to stare, not to ask questions, not to look at his friend with pity or anything of the sort. Suga tried to ignore Daichi's failed attempts, as well as the whispers and pointed fingers of his classmates. They were just curious, he knew that, but his biggest secret was now out in the open and it was the most exposed and visible he had ever felt. He should be panicking, crying, _something,_ but thankfully he only felt numb. The panic attacks would come later, he knew. The shame, too. _Oh_ , he was ashamed. He'd spent so long hiding it because he knew no one would understand. He didn't want or need help, he needed to be left alone. 

As the final bell rang, Suga walked shoulder-to-shoulder with Daichi to the doors, averting his eyes from curious stares. Asahi found them and kept pace on Suga's other side, not saying anything. He could feel his friends' questions, though. And their pity. He didn't want it.

"Sugawara Koushi, please report to the vice principal's office at once," a voice over the loudspeaker called. All conversation in the halls ceased immediately and Suga wanted to disappear forever. 

"We'll wait outside," Daichi said quietly, giving his friend an encouraging smile. "Everything is gonna be okay."

That did little to calm his nerves, but he was still grateful for the support.

The vice principal sat behind his enormous desk, toupee slightly askew atop his round head. Suga bowed in greeting, hating the way his legs trembled.

"Please have a seat."

Suga obeyed, waiting in the uncomfortable silence for the words he knew were coming. They were going to send him away. Some hospital far away, where no one would ask questions, where no one here could see how broken he really was. His classmates would believe the lie that he had moved away to go to a special boarding school, somewhere so remote he couldn't take phone calls or answer emails. They would stop asking questions after a while, and he would finally cease to exist in their world.

"I'm setting up a weekly meeting for you with our school nurse. She is going to help you get over this...whatever it is that's happening...and then everything will go back to normal." The vice principal sat up straighter in his chair, indicating this was his idea and he was proud of it. "Going forward you are not to mention this incident again. If anyone asks questions, ignore them. We don't want other students getting any ideas. Nothing will go on your permanent record. I will not call your parents."

Suga didn't know if he should be angry or relieved. Both, perhaps? He was relieved that the school wanted to forget this ever happened, and relieved his parents wouldn't find out. He was furious at the insinuation he was nothing but a problem to be swept under the rug, a stain on the school's otherwise flawless reputation. 

He masked his emotions with a polite smile, standing and bowing to the vice principal. "Thank you very much. Good evening."

Suga rejoined his friends outside. Daichi and Asahi didn't ask any questions, just walked with him down the streets back to his home. When he passed his house and kept going down the country road, they followed silently without hesitation.

A bubbling creek carved its way through the countryside, weaving through the mountains and farmland. Suga and Daichi had a favorite spot they used to play in as children. They sat in the grass along the bank, listening to the water's lullaby. Daichi and Asahi had removed their uniform jackets and rolled up their shirt sleeves, but Suga was still tucked inside his layers of protection, face flushed and glistening with sweat from the summer heat. His fingers absently played with a small hole in the hem of his hoodie.

"I never wanted you to find out about this," Suga whispered after an eternity in silence. "I'm sorry."

Asahi glanced at Daichi, unsure of what to say, but Daichi was just staring straight ahead, as still as stone. "You don't have anything to apologize for," Asahi finally spoke up. "Why didn't you tell us? We want to help you."

"I don't need help!" Suga snapped, voice rising. "I _don't need help._ I'm not a charity case, and I'm not crazy. I'm _fine._ I can handle this on my own like I always do."

"You don't have to go through this alone," Asahi said gently, "and you're not a charity case. You're our friend."

Hot, angry tears flowed freely down Suga's face. His hands clenched in trembling fists against his crossed legs, breaths coming in short gasps. Daichi finally looked up.

"I hate this." Suga's voice was weak. "I hate being like this, I hate being _me._ I hate how broken I am." 

Daichi still hadn't said anything. He leaned over and gently pried Suga's fists open, revealing red half-moons in his palms where fingernails had dug into skin. Suga tried to pull away but Daichi laced their fingers together and refused to let go. "Don't hurt yourself anymore," he commanded softly. "Take it out on me. I'm right here."

They stared into each other's eyes for an endless moment. Then the dam broke and Suga fell into heaving, panicked sobs, body slumping against Daichi's chest. Asahi watched wide-eyed, unsure of how to help. Daichi rubbed Suga's back, murmuring to him, and suddenly Asahi felt as if he was intruding on something personal. He'd never experienced a panic attack, and he'd never seen someone else have one. It was a horrible, helpless feeling.

It was a long time before Suga's breathing returned to normal. The tears ceased soon after, followed by humiliation. "Hey, stop that. I know that look." Daichi's voice was stern, but worry was still apparent in his face. He pulled Suga into a strong embrace. "Let me be here for you. Let me help."

"I'm f-fine," Suga hiccuped. "I don't need help."

"I know you don't."

Asahi locked eyes with Daichi, wearing a pleading expression. Daichi nodded as if to say, _Yes, you can go. I've got this._ Asahi scrambled to his feet and, with one last look of regret at his friends, jogged back to the road home.

Daichi and Suga stayed at the creek long past sunset. They didn't say anything, but no words would have been enough. Neither boy knew what to say to encompass the enormity of what had happened that day, but they had a sort of unspoken agreement that it could be discussed another time. Not here, not now. For now, they had each other, and they were each other's safe haven, and that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive any errors in details regarding schools in Japan. I only know what I've learned from research, so please correct me if the need arises. Thank you!


End file.
